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The screenwriter has the unenviable task of cramming decades of backstory into two hours, and difficult decisions have to be made. These cuts, however, are not the difficult ones. Here are five story lines from upcoming comic book films that the studio won't let within a thousand miles of the screen. Previews indicate they have figured out what the first film did wrong, and set about doing completely different things wrong. What We Probably Won't See: How about this little vignette from '80s Hulk 23 in which Bruce Banner attempts to keep his anger in check while being accosted by two marauding homosexuals at the YMCA. In comic books, as in life, honesty is always the best policy: We readers may laugh at Dewey's naivety, but remember, when you live in the Marvel universe, you run into crazy shit every day. You never know when you'll spot Galactus at the Cinnabon or catch the Juggernaut stealing your mail. And not even the most depraved locker room rapist will feel good about himself the next day knowing he anally violated, say, Captain America. So better safe than sorry. If the guy says he's a superhero, just walk away. Australian supermodel Megan Gale is rumored to be the babe behind the bullet-proof bustier in what seems destined to be an unavoidably terrible movie. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Before we go any further, if you think we're going to pull a bunch of Wonder Woman panels out of context and mock her as some kind of bondage-loving super-lesbian Wonder Woman was created in by psychologist Dr. William Marston, who believed that bondage had a leveling effect on gender relationships. We're thinking his bedroom saw its share of Wonder Woman costumes over the years. But still, that would hardly fit under the category of things we "won't see," because we're actually guessing you will see at least one hot woman get tied up on screen, if not several. Hell, Catwoman has nothing going for her but fetishism, and the studios didn't hesitate to write the check for that one. The film will likely not give us the early version of Wonder Woman, who was the kind of cringe-worthy, air-headed stereotype that was still acceptable in the '40s. In fact, when Wonder Woman first appeared as a member of The Justice Society in , the group made her their secretary we're not kidding. So if they ever do a "back to its roots" reboot on this franchise, we're guessing they won't go all the way back. Wonders indeed, Wonder Woman. Ant-Man's powers unsurprisingly revolved around ants. He could shrink to the size of an ant, communicate with ants, and wore a chrome hat that sort of made his head look like an ant's head. OK, it's not the greatest idea for a superhero. If Simon Pegg isn't tapped to fill those tiny ant-pants, we'll eat our hats. Ant-Man's arch-nemesis was curiously existential. Instead of battling the Orkin Man or a pair of size 10 Keds or something, Ant-Man who in real life was scientist Henry Pym constantly grappled with his own insecurities. Such a small man complex is to be expected when A you have shrinking powers and B you hang out with the Hulk, whose penis is the size of a fire extinguisher. Rather than drown his sorrows in alcohol like Iron Man or an endless supply of nubile tail like Wolverine , Pym dealt with his self-esteem problems in the least superheroic way possible: Mind you, the "Ant-Man is a spousal abuser" subplot was not something future writers ignored--it became the hallmark of the Ant-Man character, so much so that when The Avengers were relaunched as The Ultimates in , Ant-Man was still doing the Ralph Kramden routine: On the other hand, Ant-Man's marital bliss was pretty damn disconcerting too. Feast your eyes on this tableau from Avengers That ain't royal jelly, kids. Perhaps this is because we've heard this same plot over and over again. A team of superhuman outcasts blah, blah, blah genius team leader yadda, yadda, yadda society fears them blah, blah, blah leotards. In , Variety reported that screenwriter Adam Turner was writing a Doom Patrol vehicle, but the film is currently stewing in development hell. Remember, superhero movies are like locusts--it took 25 years to get Spider-Man off the ground. The Doom Patrol's most famous archenemies, Monsieur Mallah and the Brain, shared a mutual interest in evil and, um, each other. This may not seem too extraordinary until you realize one was an uber-intelligent simian and the other was disembodied grey matter who occasionally stole a robot body. Continue Reading Below Advertisement If 51 percent of American moviegoers aren't ready for gay marriage, then they're sure as shit not ready for a love affair that combines homosexuality, bestiality, robophilia as well as a little amputee fetishism for good measure. Perhaps this romance could work in the hands of a director like David Lynch, but the first and last time Lynch had a blockbuster budget, the final product was exponentially more homoerotic: That's right, we mean you, Sting in Dune. Apropos of nothing, Monsieur Mallah and the Brain recently died in the comics. For their villainous deeds and carnal impropriety, we presume they are in Hell. Yes, we're thinking they may sell some merchandise on this one. Unless Spielberg and Jackson wish to commit career suicide, they best keep clear of any reference to Tintin in the Congo, published in the good old racist year of This comic has the unique ability to offend 99 percent of humanity, making it more or less the Mein Kampf of the funny pages. There's something for everyone in here to be pissed off about, from animal lovers yes, that's him filling a Rhino with gunpowder and then detonating it We further suspect that the Tintin film will avoid any plot overlap with the bootleg parody Tintin in Thailand, a comic that gave a whole new meaning to the phrase "boy adventuring. And don't forget to find out what's happening this Week in Douchebaggery it has to do with boobs. Or head to the brand new Official Cracked. Superhero scenes

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10 Comments

  1. Whether or not this is the moment that Banner is referring to is up for debate. A team of superhuman outcasts blah, blah, blah genius team leader yadda, yadda, yadda society fears them blah, blah, blah leotards. There are examples of tasteful cape sex out there somewhere, probably?

  2. It also usually signals that someone is either about to die or come very close to dying, although not nearly as often as that happens in Game of Thrones. Homecoming, comic book movie fans have had plenty of awesomeness to enjoy in There are examples of tasteful cape sex out there somewhere, probably?

  3. Wonders indeed, Wonder Woman. Clark and Diana consummate their relationship in nothing less than an epic, five-page megabang. And that image of the united Justice League standing together on the rooftop?

  4. I'm not a smart man, but I know what a dirty joke is, and "This reminds me of a joke about a clown car" is indecipherable as far as gags go.

  5. And, as this scene shows, Marvel clearly understands the character. After a brief stint in the past, we are reintroduced to our favorite A-holes, who proceed to battle a monstrous alien while Baby Groot Vin Diesel dances to ELO.

  6. Homecoming, comic book movie fans have had plenty of awesomeness to enjoy in I mean, you'd think that's how it would go down, if you thought about it enough to write Superfriend-fiction blogs under a pseudonym. U nless Warner Brothers decide to ReleaseTheSnyderCut, we may never know what the two most important ladies in Clark's life were talking about.

  7. One thing was clear in the first few minutes of Vol. Jonathan and Martha are concerned about some of Clark's abnormal behavior and take him in for a check-up.

  8. Jonathan and Martha are concerned about some of Clark's abnormal behavior and take him in for a check-up. This is paid off later when Harley uses it to escape Eric Savin, but it was originally part of a bigger story.

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